This will be one of many this year, this very hard year.
Today is my birthday.
I am excited...I love birthdays!
My mom always made birthdays something to look forward to, she always got super excited.
I am going to an awesome concert tonight with my BFF:)
My little girl learned to ride her bike without training wheels last night!!!
I have a cake that my children made for me...so sweet!
So many good and fun things to remember for this birthday!
I am also crying right now, with a heavy heart.
This is my first birthday without the woman who labored to get me into this world, the first person to hold me, kiss me, nurse me. The one person who would remember everything about the day I was born, and be able to tell me the excitement, fear, and joy of having your first baby.
I am thankful I was able to experience this with my own children myself before she was gone, so many new ways to connect with her that I might have missed.
I am sad about all she will miss, all I will miss, all my children will miss.
I am going to do a lot of fun things today.
I am going to accept happy birthdays from many people who love me and enjoy spending time with them.
I am going to enjoy my birthday for sure, but I will also miss my mom and wish I could hear "happy birthday" from her.
I am going to accept comfort from my Heavenly Father, knowing He is in control, and knows my sadness.
I am going to accept the blessings from Him as well as he is giving me more days here with my loves.
I am never going to experience life in the same way.
This is what it is, this is a first.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A Grieving Gift
Yes, that is what I have been told I have recieved! I have in recent weeks let a lot of "extras" just go on by (this being one!). I have been kind to myself. Mostly because I am too exhausted to try to keep it all up, and also because I have felt a significant draw to just spend time with my family. Get closer, watch closer, feel more, hug more, listen more, sing more, dance more, kiss more. My counselor told me that intense feeling to soak it all in was in fact a gift of grieving. Ha, a gift of grieving!
This thing they call "grieving" has been the absolutely most draining and overwhelming thing I have ever experienced. Never have I felt more out of my head, physically exhausted, almost convinced I have developed a true physiological heart condition, and in question of my sanity, and I am only 3 months in....WHAT?!? I CANNOT keep this up, but then....this overwhelming desire to drink in my growing babies, and cherish "ordinary" moments with my hero husband busts in and I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for blessings I have received in these individuals,and a strong desire to be close to them, closer than close. Thank you God. Without my grieving heart, a heart softened by overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and loss, I don't believe I would feel Your pull so strongly. You whisper to me in the eskimo kisses of my baby boy, the carefree songs of a silly 5 year old girl, and the extra long goodbye kiss from my most treasured love here on Earth. What craziness to think that the thing that tears your heart to its core, will be the thing that opens it up to greater gifts. But that's it isn't it...YOU ARE CRAZY!:) Crazy for us to be alive, alive to our desires, alive to our deepest heartaches, alive to experience only a tiny taste of what heaven will be for eternity in the midst of a great big ole devastating loss that feels like it will consume us.
Thank you God for the blessing of discovering the heart you created in me.
Psalm 6
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?
Turn, O Lord, and deliver me;
Save me becasue of your unfailing love.
I am worn out from groaning;
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
And drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
They fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
For the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
The Lord accepts my prayer.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
"O Maker of me, go on making me, and let me help you. Come, O Father! Here I am. Let us go on. I know that my words are those of a child but it is your own child who prays to you. It is Your dark I walk in. It is Your hand I hold.
--George MacDonald
This thing they call "grieving" has been the absolutely most draining and overwhelming thing I have ever experienced. Never have I felt more out of my head, physically exhausted, almost convinced I have developed a true physiological heart condition, and in question of my sanity, and I am only 3 months in....WHAT?!? I CANNOT keep this up, but then....this overwhelming desire to drink in my growing babies, and cherish "ordinary" moments with my hero husband busts in and I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for blessings I have received in these individuals,and a strong desire to be close to them, closer than close. Thank you God. Without my grieving heart, a heart softened by overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and loss, I don't believe I would feel Your pull so strongly. You whisper to me in the eskimo kisses of my baby boy, the carefree songs of a silly 5 year old girl, and the extra long goodbye kiss from my most treasured love here on Earth. What craziness to think that the thing that tears your heart to its core, will be the thing that opens it up to greater gifts. But that's it isn't it...YOU ARE CRAZY!:) Crazy for us to be alive, alive to our desires, alive to our deepest heartaches, alive to experience only a tiny taste of what heaven will be for eternity in the midst of a great big ole devastating loss that feels like it will consume us.
Thank you God for the blessing of discovering the heart you created in me.
Psalm 6
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?
Turn, O Lord, and deliver me;
Save me becasue of your unfailing love.
I am worn out from groaning;
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
And drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
They fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
For the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
The Lord accepts my prayer.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
"O Maker of me, go on making me, and let me help you. Come, O Father! Here I am. Let us go on. I know that my words are those of a child but it is your own child who prays to you. It is Your dark I walk in. It is Your hand I hold.
--George MacDonald
Friday, March 13, 2009
My 6-Pack! :)
This is the 6-pack. That is the name that we came up for ourselves in high school. I don't hang out with these girls every weekend, and we don't even talk on the phone that often, but my life would not be the same without them, they are so dear to me. We played silly elementary games together. We were all there when we each got our first kiss, first dates, first heartbreaks, first jobs, first cars. We played sports together, had what seems like millions of sleepovers, snuck out together, got in trouble together...we grew up together. We fought with each other, promising never to be friends again (man I dread a girl growing up). We each had friends outside our group, but for whatever reason we always ended up together as six.
We now spend one weekend together each year. But two months ago when I lost my mom, they were all at my house within the hour...they didn't ask, they just came. They surrounded me in the late hours of that night and we sat and cried, talked, and laughed. They went grocery shopping for me (never asking what I wanted, they just went), and they were there with me every step of that blurry week. This weekend is "our weekend" this year. Is it God's timing that it fell just two months after mom's death, or coincidence? GOD'S TIMING....ABSOLUTELY! I have cherished these friendships, but right now I need them, all 5 of them. Each girl is an absolute treasure to my heart, with unique qualities and gifts, quirks and passions that make up our wonderful little group.
What makes this even more special is that my mother had a special group of girls in high school... there were six of them, just like us. They called themselved The Tribe :). They had not stayed in touch after high school, and mom always urged me to stay close to these girls...that I may not see it when I was 18 when I was ready to "grow up" and move on from high school games, but later these friendships would be so much more special. She was right. After mom's memorial, her closest friend of The Tribe has stayed in touch with me and my sister and this weekend The Tribe is reuniting in TN in honor of mom, and hoping to continue what they wish they had never stopped. How neat that they are getting together the same weekend as my girls!
So mom's death, no doubt, has changed my life. Good, bad, sad, hard, tragic...all of it. But God is continuously showing Himself through His people...my friends...memories of mom, everywhere. What a gift this group is to me...from above...He knew what I needed...and He is providing. What an awesome God!
BTW...For you guys who loved the Dexter slip ons so popular in the early 90's...I saw a pair in the mall the other day...brand new. I wanted a picture so bad...but remembered I had one already! HA
We now spend one weekend together each year. But two months ago when I lost my mom, they were all at my house within the hour...they didn't ask, they just came. They surrounded me in the late hours of that night and we sat and cried, talked, and laughed. They went grocery shopping for me (never asking what I wanted, they just went), and they were there with me every step of that blurry week. This weekend is "our weekend" this year. Is it God's timing that it fell just two months after mom's death, or coincidence? GOD'S TIMING....ABSOLUTELY! I have cherished these friendships, but right now I need them, all 5 of them. Each girl is an absolute treasure to my heart, with unique qualities and gifts, quirks and passions that make up our wonderful little group.
What makes this even more special is that my mother had a special group of girls in high school... there were six of them, just like us. They called themselved The Tribe :). They had not stayed in touch after high school, and mom always urged me to stay close to these girls...that I may not see it when I was 18 when I was ready to "grow up" and move on from high school games, but later these friendships would be so much more special. She was right. After mom's memorial, her closest friend of The Tribe has stayed in touch with me and my sister and this weekend The Tribe is reuniting in TN in honor of mom, and hoping to continue what they wish they had never stopped. How neat that they are getting together the same weekend as my girls!
So mom's death, no doubt, has changed my life. Good, bad, sad, hard, tragic...all of it. But God is continuously showing Himself through His people...my friends...memories of mom, everywhere. What a gift this group is to me...from above...He knew what I needed...and He is providing. What an awesome God!
BTW...For you guys who loved the Dexter slip ons so popular in the early 90's...I saw a pair in the mall the other day...brand new. I wanted a picture so bad...but remembered I had one already! HA
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Jason
No, not the indecisive bachelor Mr. Mesnik (sp?), but the very talented Mr. Mraz!
I'll be there....
On my birthday....
Floor Seats....
Thank you my dear husband who tolerates my music tastes! I love you!
Whoo Hoo!
I'll be there....
On my birthday....
Floor Seats....
Thank you my dear husband who tolerates my music tastes! I love you!
Whoo Hoo!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Boy Crazy or Romantic?
This is a late Valentine's blog, but I'm sure you understand...nothing in my life is "on time" right now:), except for God, and well we all know what His timing can feel like for us sometimes:)
So, C. had her Valentines Sock Hop at school. Such cute decorations, all the girls in poodle skirts, the boys in their white t's and rolled up jeans, old records playing....perfect for a little girl obsessed with romance and princes!!! As all the kids were dancing, my little girl, the only one to do this that I noticed, danced with her "bff" at school, a little boy who she talks about ALL the time...I'll call him boy..."boy is handsome", "boy will like my Tom and Jerry shirt", "boy will like my hair". Sometimes I cringe, thinking I have some little boy crazy girl that I will have to lock up someday! They twirled...literally, he spun her around, they twisted, and she held a straight face the whole time!!!! She smirked a little every now and then, but for the most part she was soooo serious, it was hilarious.
We dance A LOT in our house...we can't sing, so I guess we dance...slow dance, fast dance, all four of us regularly use the kitchen or living room for an all out dance party. So C. sees Chad and I slow dance and twirl, dip and sway all the time...no wonder she thought she would do the same thing with her "best boy"! My heart was doing crazy things with this...do I say anything, do I stop it...naw, we just let her enjoy it. Our little princess is a romantic and I love it! Her heart is just as God made it to be... sensitive and longing for a deeper love...one I hope she finds in Our Savior someday!
The picture of her holding the flower was all her doing...noone posed this, this is my little dramatic girl :)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I am...
A daughter of The King
Blessed to have Chad, C.and W.
The crazy girl crying in the checkout line at Wal Mart...
That same girl you just saw laughing her head off at her kids in the toy isle
Looking forward to warmer weather
A new facebook member
Wearing my glasses more lately
Loving scarves...maybe too much
In need of a pedicure, but waiting til bare toe weather is nearer
Drinking coffee some...I feel so grown up!
Feeling like I am in a dream most days, til the kids need me! :)
Looking forward to a massage on Friday...my neck is killing me!
Enjoying little boy hugs sooooo much right now
Enjoying little girl songs just as much
Wishing I could stop the kids in time and put it in a bottle
Wishing I could take a long trip with my husband...anywhere
Missing my mom, she would have been 52 today, and I would have sent her flowers
Enjoying the extra time I have spent with my sister lately
Confused...and at peace???
Exhausted
Thankful for Make a Meal
Thankful for friends that pray
Thankful for a God that loves...really loves
Blessed to have Chad, C.and W.
The crazy girl crying in the checkout line at Wal Mart...
That same girl you just saw laughing her head off at her kids in the toy isle
Looking forward to warmer weather
A new facebook member
Wearing my glasses more lately
Loving scarves...maybe too much
In need of a pedicure, but waiting til bare toe weather is nearer
Drinking coffee some...I feel so grown up!
Feeling like I am in a dream most days, til the kids need me! :)
Looking forward to a massage on Friday...my neck is killing me!
Enjoying little boy hugs sooooo much right now
Enjoying little girl songs just as much
Wishing I could stop the kids in time and put it in a bottle
Wishing I could take a long trip with my husband...anywhere
Missing my mom, she would have been 52 today, and I would have sent her flowers
Enjoying the extra time I have spent with my sister lately
Confused...and at peace???
Exhausted
Thankful for Make a Meal
Thankful for friends that pray
Thankful for a God that loves...really loves
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